It’s time for the actualchad.com mailbag!
Here’s a real letter from a real reader:
I really enjoyed your recent song about how much you’d like to plough your wife.
I too would like to write a song for my wife, and I was wondering if you could give me some pointers about song-writing, since you obviously know how to tug the appropriate heart-strings in order to get her hot-to-trot.
Keep up the good work. I love reading all the great posts on the website, except that bit about A Flock of Seagulls. You can fuck off with that shit.
Steve from Dianella.
Well thanks for most of your letter, Steve, and the kind words about my recent romantic ballad. For the record, I stand by my impersonation of A Flock of Seagulls, even if most thought it was an albino emo, or albemo if you prefer.
There’s not a lot I can tell you about writing love songs. Much like women, they’re mysterious creatures, and just when you think you’ll got them figured out, they lock you out of the house before you can say “key change”.
Every songwriter has their own technique and style and level of inebriation required to write the perfect love song.
I can’t tell you how Chris Martin writes love songs.
I can’t tell you how Christopher Cross writes love songs.
Hell, I can’t even tell you how Peter Criss writes love songs.
In fact I don’t think anyone can tell you how Peter Criss writes love songs. Peter Criss couldn’t tell you how Peter Criss writes love songs.
All I can tell you is… how to write love songs… correctly.
In fact, I won’t tell you… I show you…
Show in this sense meaning “telling you through song”, which I guess is actually telling, but look screw you, Steve! What do you want from me?
And that’s about it.